If that was your dad, he is hot
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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