My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
