for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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