Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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