I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
