your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
