you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i think i have two assholes
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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