My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
