I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
