What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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