awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
