I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
