How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
