Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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