It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'm both gender and math confused
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
