Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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