Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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