I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
