How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
