Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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