Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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