I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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