put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
