You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
