I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I did not marry a roomba.
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