I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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