Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Houston, we have a squirter
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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