i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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