next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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