I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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