What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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