i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
