Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
