I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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