allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
