Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I AM VODKA MAN
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize