saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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