Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
