her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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