I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
