i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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