I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
