Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
