why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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