I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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