I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
