I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
