Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
