Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
