When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
