He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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