Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
