At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize