i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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