Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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