Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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