My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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