angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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