Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
