I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
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