she smelled like a LAN party
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
