do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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