i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
don't judge my taste in strippers
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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