every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
