My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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