just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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