Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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