I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize