dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
