I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
