So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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