Someone shit on the floor
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
