True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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