His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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