Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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