They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
